Departure
by reeyachan
Summary: When Gon subconsciously decides to abandon everything because of his raging passion. Rated T for blood description. Spoiler: Chimera Ants Arc. GonxKillua.


A/N: Set in Chimera Ants Arc. Spoilers are in here if you haven't reached that part of the manga yet. This is my (sort of) headcanon for this part. I may write another one like this because of my raging emotions while reading this part. No heads up warnings from me. Warnings spoil everything. Just read it if you dare and please review. I shall do better next time :')

Disclaimer: I do not claim Togahi's characters

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**DEPARTURE**

_Cold…_

_I feel cold._

A pair of brown eyes slowly fluttered its way open to meet the light illuminating the full moon from up above the dark endless, lifeless sky. There were no stars–only the bright white moon giving color to the galaxy. Gon just stared at the moon after waking up, with eyes so insipid its irises would not shine like diamonds like before. His body was numb and completely beaten, he couldn't lift a finger, he couldn't feel oxygen entering his nose, and he couldn't feel his heart beat. He wanted to rest there on the cold moist earth for a while to try and remember why he ended up feeling nothing at all. And just then he thought, _why can't I remember anything?_

The cool wind howled hard all over the place again. It was a dead night. Nothing can be heard except from thousands of crickets crying everywhere within the grasses and bushes planted on the soil of the forest and the leaves of the trees clashing towards each other while dancing harmonically with the wind as its music. Gon closed his eyes and managed to paint a weak smile on his face when he felt the cold run against his skin. _I feel cold_, he thought while keeping that small smile plastered on his face, _an indicator that I'm still alive._ Though he could not remember anything, the spiky haired kid knew he had fought a very strong creature. Considering the circumstances, he just knew. Gon batted his eyes open and looked at the moon again–thinking. He tried going back a few weeks ago to try and refresh his memories.

_Greed Island. I cleared Greed Island–me, Killua, Bisuke. _Gon blinked when his best friend's name went past his thoughts and regretted not thinking about how he was doing the moment he regained consciousness. He tried remembering again. _Bisuke went on her way after, then Ging…_ Gon fixed his gaze on that one visible dark spot on the moon. _I used 'accompany' so Killua and I could meet…_

"Kaito."

Without warning to his nerves and beat up muscles, Gon instantly sat up straight, breathing heavily, and blinking his eyes under his creased eyebrows. Everything was coming back to him. It felt as though he was a huge magnet and the metal scraps of painful memories were hitting him hard as they stick LIKE crab clamps to his skin. It was like he was being shot by bullet from guns pointed to his temples.

_Kaito… Kaito is gone…_ Tears of hate and rage and grief and self-loathing were now piling up on the corners of his eyes–his inanimate eyes. For a moment Gon sat there on the wet ground, moist eyes fixed on nothing, arms slumped lifeless to his sides, legs numb. He felt even more numb than earlier. The fact that Kaito has died in front of his face and the fact that he blames himself for what had happened will never, not ever, be erased from his tainted memory anymore. It penetrated his heart and body, and it is so close to penetrating his soul.

The cool wind howled even wilder than before. And like the wind has pushed his back hard to let his emotions soak within him, Gon lifted his limp arms and hugged his curled legs as his tears pour hard from his shut eyes. "Kaito, I'm sorry. I'm sorry…" He cried tremendously–chanting Kaito's name under his breath and apologizing over and over again. "I'm sorry…"

Gon cried and cried while rocking himself to and fro, burying his face to his knees. He lost balance and fell to the wet ground again, but the moist earth did not keep him from pouring everything out in the form of salty tears. He just lay on the cold ground of the forest, tears streaming down his face, screaming and weeping to the top of his lungs. He wished someone or something would kill him right that instant, to show fairness to his dead preceptor–a life for a life.

Then he stopped.

Opening his eyes while his chest was still recovering from the downpour of emotions it received, he sat up slowly, sniffling and wheezing hard, ears focused on something he does not know where. Gon wiped his face and nose with the back of his hand and tried standing up. At first Gon thought he was going to trip off because of his limp muscles, but surprisingly he did not, and he was able to stand up and move his arms without feeling any pain. They were just numb and wobbly. Gon then lifted his head up the sky and closed his eyes.

He was sure he heard something.

He was sure he heard someone weep with him.

There was someone out there.

Gon opened his eyes and stepped forward slowly. The darkness of the night hindered him from finding that person using his eyes, so he used his ears and nose instead to locate the presence. He was too weak to actuate his _Nen_. Though the earth was covered with a great amount of dried leaves, him stepping his foot on the wet soil surprisingly did not make any noise. He ignored that fact and went on to hearing that sound again, determined to find out who that person was. He paused and closed his eyes.

The weeping continued. It was faint and silent but he was sure. Gon was so sure the crying person was close to him–there, at his back. He turned around–there, at his left.

Gon stepped forward and slowly walked to the strange silhouette sitting on the ground. It suddenly reminded him of Kaito and how he cried earlier when he remembered him. A frown covered his mouth, but he shook the thought aside and went back to walking to the person–thinking of helping him, or her. Getting closer, the silhouette of the person was slowly turning into a real human form.

Closer…

And with the help of the moon's light, now seeing that familiar hair color–too familiar, very familiar–Gon's eyes grew wide and his senses suddenly woke.

There was no doubt.

"Killua," Gon mumbled under his breath. This sudden burst of energy went running through his lifeless nerves it felt as though a bucket of lukewarm water was poured on his cold dry skin. He suddenly felt so strong again now that he saw the person who always made him feel so. He felt warm and relieved that his best friend is safe, and is here, with him. But he was confused. He was sure he heard him crying.

"…"

Gon was right. Those thin pale shoulders were shuddering in between sniffles. Killua only cried silently–unlike Gon–but the latter was becoming worried about why his best friend was crying. He never saw him cry before. Killua was never like that. Gon's chest silently became heavy–crying for Kaito never felt this heartbreaking as to seeing Killua cry.

"Killua!"

With 15 feet away from his best friend, Gon ran towards Killua with his right arm stretched–reaching for him desperately, wanting to comfort him, to ask him what happened, to figure out why he was there. Gon's eyes were still not shining the golden brown like before, but they looked worried. He was worried and excited at the same time to see his best friend.

And then time seemed to stop.

Gon froze halfway when his gaze landed closer to his best friend. He froze. And everything came back to him again like what had happened earlier–only this time, it was faster and more painful, like his skull was cracked open and the bullets of memories from that certain gun was being shot straight to his brain's memory bank in an ungodly manner.

Everything was falling into place.

With lips half apart and with eyes whose expression was incredibly unexplainable, for the first time since he regained consciousness, he looked around slowly and the whole perimeter of the forest was suddenly lit and bright and… covered in a pool of crimson blood. Gon was horrified. The view of the open field of the forest he was standing in was gruesome. Lumps of blood were scattered, painting the dried leaves on the ground red, intestines hung on nearby bushes, insides blown all over the place. Gon looked down at the moist ground and followed the significant path of blood with his shocked eyes. There revealed the crashed body of the creature he knew he fought all his might with–Nefelpitou, a _dead_ Nefelpitou. _I defeated him,_ he thought, scanning the dead ant's body. _Pitou's dead._

Seeing enough of the damage he has done to Pitou, Gon closed his eyes and clenched his fists. He didn't want that picture of Nefelpitou's bloody broken body staying inside his head. Realizing this, he opened his eyes and stared at his palms, they were surprisingly fine. He turned his gaze to his shoes. _No marks at all–_

"Gon…"

Ignoring his confusion, Gon turned around and looked at his best friend. _Killua… He called me._ Instinct told him to come closer. His legs were limp and numb once again because of the revelation of his memories but his best friend's voice calling him gave him strength.

"_Gon_…" Killua whispered firmly between gritted teeth.

Gon paused 5 feet away and listened.

"_You…_" One could tell that Killua was holding back his tears while speaking. His voice was faint and cracked and weak and _dead_. "Gon, _you… You're such an idiot…!_" Killua's shoulders started shuddering violently.

Gon leaned back and looked down.

"You are _such_ an idiot…"

And right there and then, it hit him–like a bulldozer hitting a dead leaf on a concrete ground. He just knew. And for some reason, he wasn't surprised. But he was regretful–very regretful. Now that his best friend, whom he told to 'stay out of it', is here, eyes filled with salty tears. _He must hate me now. I deserved it anyways._ "Killua," Gon stated out with a low cracked voice. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry, Killua! I'm so–"

"_WHY_, GON!? _WHY!?_" Killua snapped, looking up and letting his emotions dominate his system. He cried passionately–hard and loud. "YOU ARE STUPID, GON! WHY… WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME!? I THOUGHT WE WERE PARTNERS! YOU RAN HERE ALL BY YOURSELF YOU IDIOT! AND NOW… NOW… NOW… AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! NOW…! GON, I CAN'T… I'M SORRY… I'M SORRY!" Killua's scream was filled with pure emotion. It was painful. It was as though his heart was ripped off his chest, and it felt like that–like his left arm and leg was pulled off his body. He sounded so broken, so shattered. Killua crouched down and wailed between screams ever so incredibly tormented than before.

Gon's world crashed upon him. He felt so weak, so weak his knees couldn't hold his body up anymore. He voluntarily let his legs collapse to the ground while trying to reach Killua's shoulders with his right hand. His best friend felt so distant. And he didn't want that. He wanted to apologize. But… Killua couldn't hear him. He will _never _hear him again. _Never again._

Killua screamed once more and cried with all his soul, hugging ever so tightly Gon's lifeless corpse.


End file.
